This is for me to remember him.

Hi, I'm back.

Michael Jackson is dead. Facebook was full of updated status of people acknowledging the fact the day after. Sure, he was someone that have always been a piece of enigma to all of us. A subject of ridicule and all those dirty things brought on by his fame. But still, a part of me was sad that he's gone. I mean, our generation grows with his music. Who has never heard of him?

There was a televised memorial service for him yesterday, and I watched the repeat show last night. It was the most beautiful and heartwrenching thing I ever saw on TV. All those people who spoke from their hearts, people who knew him as a person, someone they knew inside. Not the freak as everyone was led to believe. I love Brooke Shield's speech. I can feel her broken heart as she struggles not to break down. And I like the part where she said Michael is not a King, but rather, a Little Prince and proceeded to quote lines from the book, where the pilot ponders upon the Prince's body after his death.

Reverend Al Sharpton's speech was powerful! I cannot help but cry and clap my hands at the way he put those words together. It was beautiful. My heart swelled when he said, "To Michael's children, your daddy wasn't strange. What happened to him was strange, and he dealt with it!" Or something to that effect. W.O.W!

Of course, the part that broke everyone was his daughter's goodbye to him, standing before his coffin. Paris reminds us all that Michael - without the sequinned glove, without the hat, no longer standing on his toes, no longer basking in the spotlight and the thunderous applause after every show - was just a regular Daddy. Sad. But beautiful.

Goodbye Michael. You will always be remembered for your music and the massive impact you've made during your stay. You unite the world, and put hope in the future for all of us. Rest well. I just hope that they will leave you alone now.

Something struck me...

and got me thinking. No matter how dependent you are on other people, no matter how they always be there for you, no matter how big a favour you need from them, no matter how big the love you have for each other and how big the sacrifice they're willing to do for you; you will always be alone. In making your own decision, in deciding what's best to do for your own good, in protecting your own heart when you sense it's about to be broken. We are in charge of our own self and destiny.

Of course, I knew this before today. But like I said, it just struck me and got me thinking more deeply about this than I ever was. I am currently in the middle of doing something big in my life. Not one, but two big things. How's that? Ok, let's not beat around the bushes and I'll let it out (as if I've never written about it before, duh!): I am getting married and buying a house, all within these few months.

Obviously, there is someone else involved. I was thinking, I have someone that I can share this wonderful journey with, together. It should be fun, doing this thing, together. Well, up till now, all I can see is that it's just me, producing this on my own. I tried to delegate, but nothing is being done on the other part on the basis that he's tired from work, no time, don't know where to start without money, blahblahblah...then? I myself do not have these privileges, but at least I am aware that I really have to do this. No matter how much I dread it, I still know that I have to really have to make myself do it, even if I have to drag my feet. Oh, why oh why have nobody warned me about this? I am sure that I am not the first person to experience this; men dumping everything on the woman just because they don't feel like it. Oh, I'm just flabbergasted, actually, when I saw this status: keep pushing me and miserable july awaits. I was just checking on the progress that I tasked him to do! I can't be doing everything on my own. He's a part of that thing as much as I am! Time is short, so how can he still expects us both to be doing nothing and hopes that everything falls into place perfectly? Men! Grrrhhh!!

So that thing made me realize that if you want things to be done - and someone that you have entrusted to help you do it is unable to do so - just roll up your sleeve and do it yourself. You only have yourself to rely on. You do not need to depend on someone else. You're in charge of what you want. Take a stand. Take a grip. If you really want it, grit your teeth and just get on with it. Just don't think about all those emotional things. Don't dwell on feelings. Sacrifice. Forget. Forgive. Compromise.

[That was me advising myself. I have to. And I sounded so mature. Yes, I made progress and am proud of myself. I have grown, I think. I am trying to break free from the person who is always helpless, dependent, and whiny. And I really made progress here. *Giving a pat for myself on the back, cause i cannot depend on somebody else*]

Note: I am not sure what was I babbling above, but I'll just click on "Publish" anyway, just to prove myself that sometimes, I am just an emotional piece of crap.

Wed, 22 April.

[Song on iTunes when I start: Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon)

Another day in living hell. I woke up today with the heaviest heart. Can barely drag myself out of bed, knowing that I have to go work. Not a good way to start your morning.

On a different note, I'm loving Rachael more than ever. Her new album is just hauntingly beautiful; fits well with my mood and current turbulent emotion.

And that is all today.

Note to self: Survive today.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: still the same as above]

Today's photo: NONE.

Can I say the F word?

I am in no mood to follow any format whatsoever. Just want to vent out.

I am desperately looking for a new job, while still having to endure the shitty situations and pressure from people around me, unpredictable and frustrating environment at work. Oh, God. How I wish I can just stop going to work one day and just leave that life away. [Note to self: Never ever get yourself lured back into this situation]

I was doing a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. Come to think of it - it's been months. I am no longer me. I don't feel like I am the same person as I was before. All because of this job. I lost my purpose in life. I lost my passion. I lost my interest. I lost my time. I lost my heart. In fact, I lost myself.

Is that how I would want to live for years to come? Hell, no! Definitely na-ah! I have lots of things that I know I do not want. But the hardest thing to figure out is this: Then, what do yo want? What do you like? What do you love? What do you want to do? Maybe to some other lucky people, they can answer all this in a snap! "Hey, I've always wanted to be a doctor/lawyer/teacher etc." But me, I have never known what I want to be. I am still the rower who just started to pick up her row, staring into the far distance of the sea, trying to figure out which way is better to avoid the suffocating and horrible land, while the boat bobs away on the water, waiting for her to go. Saying, "Hey, come on! Make up your mind already. You want to get out of there, then just go! Go! Go! GO!" And the rower just stands there. Oblivious to the shouts and pressure. Cause she's simply struck numb. And I am her.

And this is supposed to be my positive year. I am supposed to be happy, looking forward to lots of new, wonderful things. And yet, I am miserable, tired, bored and unhappy. Should I change the way I think? Well, I think I do, but I just don't know how. Yes, it's an excuse, but it is so hard to pick yourself up again when you keep falling down. You simply forget to look up and see the road beyond. All you see is the dirt you collected.

Damn, life is hard. Forget about the "Knowledge is power" thing. MONEY is power. Money is everything now and here. It can buy happiness. It can buy dreams. It can buy everything you'd ever want.

I have been writing thoughtlessly. And I think this note is becoming incomprehensible. Definitely not on the same train of thoughts.

Oh, well. To hell with everything. What actually saddens me more, is that I am finding it harder and harder for me to smile. And I am the girl who's known to stick out my teeth and just smile at everybody. My smile was cheap back then. Now, the ugly frown is permanently on the top of my forehead. I wear a scowl everywhere I go. Go figure. I just need a saviour. Someone to offer me their hand and just guide me on the path.

I'll just wait. With a frown and a scowl.

What I've been up to.

I just came back from lunch and work. It was raining hard outside when I reach home, but I think it has stopped. I can still hear some thunder in the far distance though. But the dark sky after the rain is beautiful. The raindrops are still on my window and I love it. I wish I have a reading corner by the window where I can sit with some fluffy cushions and read while looking at the world outside.

Anyway, I had a big Japanese buffet lunch. A farewell lunch for colleagues who are leaving, as a matter of fact. We ordered too much and we still had tons of food left when we're all somewhat finished. I can cry if they force me to eat more.

Oh, I hate it when people comes in inside a lift and presses the 'Close' button impatiently lots of times. Call it my pet peeve, but I really can't stand it when people do it. I mean, the machine will know that you pressed it the first time. Give it some chance to react! People's minds do not react immediately, so why must a machine? It happened to me when I came back just now, so I just want to vent it out.

I have also been learning to solve the Rubik's Cube. I discovered that it can actually be learned; it's not an intelligence test where you find out how you fare intelectually if you can solve it. There a steps on how to solve it and I manage to complete the cube in 2 days. Not bad, I think.

And I am reading Sophie's World now. Trying to finish by next month and get started on the new books I bought about 2 months ago. Haven't actually got the time to read books lately because I was so tired from work. Damn the job. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: I don't like my job and I want to quit. But I don't know where to go, or even what I want to do, and even what I love. I'm pathetic and I know it. I'm a lost boat in the big sea.

Gonna read the book now and sleep. The weather's perfect for a lazy afternoon in bed.

p/s: Oh! Tonight is the Earth Hour moment! Switch off the lights for 1 hour and show the world where we stand for the good of the environment. Hmm.

Today's photo:

#1

My small library. I'm still building it. Got a long list of books I want to buy and read since forever. Books do not come cheap here. I've vowed to read more books this year, so hopefully this area can be expanded more.

#2

The Rubik's Cube I've been practising on. I manage to do up until the 2nd layer almost effortlessly now. Hopefully I can master it by next month.

Formatting hell.

By the way, I hate the formatting errors in the post below. With the spacing and all.

[Song on iTunes when I start: None]

I found my iPod the night after I wrote about it. Memang ada bawah timbunan baju pun. It did give me a scare, though.

My right arm and shoulder, not to forget my butt, is aching. I mean, it feels like having cramps. All this because I was trying out my hand playing Wii Sports. First time cuba, mesti beria sikit. Padahal main bowling virtually, tapi knowing me yang memang sentiasa beria dan bersemangat lebih-lebih, main sampai macam nak terputus urat semua. It'll definitely be a while before I get my hands on it again.

Another thing, I wish to have financial freedom in near future. But I don't know how to achieve it. I'm just so tired of always not having enough money to buy anything, to eat someplace nice once in a while and barely have enough to pay for my monthly expenses. Urghh! Saje je nak let it out. Sikit je.

On a cheerful note, I have always find myself to look for the simple but awesome things in life and in the world. I cannot help but to put on a few photos here today that are just simply AWESOME! Oh, I'll start giving the photos proper credit from now on. Sorry for the previous ignorance!

Today's photo(s):

Photo 1

Isn't it the cutest thing ever? Can't help but smile big when I see this.

Taken from here.

Description: Pemba, a four-month-old red panda cub makes his first public appearance at Sydney's Taronga Zoo, Australia, Wednesday, March 4, 2009. Pemba is the 44th red panda cub bred in the zoo's international breeding program for the endangered species since 1977.(AP Photo/Mark Baker)

Photo 2

Looks ugly-but-extremely-cute at the same time. Want to pet and touch its nose so bad!

Taken from here.

Description: In this photo provided by the San Francisco Zoo, an infant male gorilla is presented for the first time to the media, Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009 in San Francisco. The baby gorilla was born December 8, 2008 at the San Francisco Zoo and now weighs 11.3 pounds. The Zoo is hand-rearing the infant gorilla and surrogate training another female gorilla after the birth mother did not show interest in the newborn. The Zoo announced a global 'Name the Baby' contest, as well as an online gift registry for its newest arrival.(AP Photo/George Nikitin, San Francisco Zoo)

Photo 3

This. Is Simply Amazing. The world constantly surprises us with the odd but beautiful things that can happen. I love cats, and I love the unconditional love as displayed here.

Taken from here.

Description: Smaigel the cat nurses her kittens and four puppies at her owner Mohammad Al-Hamoury's house in Amman February 26, 2009. Smaigel is parenting the puppies whose mother died in a car accident.REUTERS/Muhammad Hamed (JORDAN)

Well, that's all I have. The rain is here, and I'm going back home to chill and try to finish a few chapters of the book I'm reading. I sometimes manage to amaze myself by succeeding on avoiding the idiot box. I miss History Channel, though.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: None]

Cemas!

[Song on iTunes / iPod when I start: None!]

Ohhh, this looks bad to me. I don't know where my iPod touch is at the moment. Manakah? I was looking for it this morning when I was getting ready to work, tapi bila tak jumpa, I thought that it must be in the office. Bila sampai ofis, takde pun? Ahhhh, tak suka.

That beauty was a birthday gift for me last year. I cannot, cannot lose it. I will never get any gifts anymore if I lost it.

I'm gonna go home now and look high and low for it. And my phone charger as well! They must have been hidden under some clothes at home. Must. Must.

I'm such a careless freak.

Today's photo:

My baby.

[Song on iTunes/iPod when I finish: None!]

Kadang-kadang aku bengang dengan diri sendiri.

[Song on iTunes when I start: Ladytron - Seventeen] ---> Yeay! Diorang datang KL!

Tak, sebenarnya selalu je aku bengang dengan diri sendiri.

Takut banyak sangat benda sampai aku menyampah sebab aku tak tahu nak buat apa. Mungkin ke sebab aku ni was living a very protected life? Selalu je ade orang sekeliling yang nak (atau terpaksa?) berlari-lari tolong aku everytime I was caught up a predicament. Jadinya, aku ni jadi seorang yang terlebih dimanjakan sampai tak boleh jadi independent langsung. Asyik nak mengharap orang untuk selesaikan masalah sampai diri sendiri tak tau nak handle macam mana.


Ok, aku nak cakap pasal naik kapal terbang. I'm afraid of heights, so naturally I'm afraid of flying. Tapi dari kecil memang aku sangat teringin nak travel by flights. Sebabnya nampak macam lagi 'travel' dari naik bas atau kereta atau bot atau selainnya. Check in, boarding, passport, duty-free and all the works. First time I finally flew was when I was 17 to JB. Dan kau naik sebuah kenderaan yang macam out of this world, yang sebenarnya tak natural untuk manusia, because we're not meant to fly. It's understandable untuk manusia takut untuk naik kapal terbang sebenarnya.

Tapi aku punya takut takdelah melampau. Gigil tu gigil jugak, sebab aku tak suka dengar benda-benda atau bunyi-bunyian enjin apa semua tu. Takut macam apa-apa jadi. Aku ni sebenarnya takut dengan the unknown fear. Tapi aku suka bila enjin tu mula bunyi menderu kuat yang tengah bersedia untuk take-off. Rasa macam, "Here we go to meet the clouds!". And the feeling when the airplane is lifting itself from the ground tu, always, without fail gives me a certain pleasure in my stomach. Adrenaline rushes into my heart and I love it.

Tapi aku tak suka sangat landing time. Bila kapal tu merendah turun, the altitude change kadang-kadang buat telinga aku sakit sangat sampai rasa nak meletup dan semestinya, aku takut gila. Nak menangis pun ada. Hope next time tak adalah sakit-sakit ni. Buat kacau je.

Aku sebenarnya tak sabar nak travel lagi. Tu yang cakap pasal flights ni. Kan best kalau jadi travel writer? Atau host dalam Travel & Living Channel tu? You're getting paid to travel and explore the world wey! It doesn't feel like work to me.

Today's photo:

I love choosing seats where I can see the wings. And definitely window seat. Looking outside when I travel is a must. It calms me down, being one with the sky.

Nota: Malam ni panas sungguh. Tak boleh tidur lah! Angin tak ada langsung.


[Song on iTunes when I finish: Miss Kittin - Frank Sinatra]

Gatal tangan.

[Song on iPod when I start: Rilo Kiley - Rest of My Life]


I'm sneaking up some time to write this. I just feel like typing.


I am watching Weeds now. Part of it because I got bored and tired with the shows on Astro and also because my Astro is cut off because I have yet to pay the bill. And so I turn to another avenue. The show is good, and lots of coverage on Nancy the main cast, the super sexy widow turned pot dealer. It amazes me everytime what she can do with her mouth combined with her cute nose.

Now that I'm typing, I actually don't know what to say. There are lots of things I want to write about last night. The words whizzed past across my head but I was doing something else, so....

And today I'm sitting in a very hot office. No electricity but with extension cables from someplace else, I'm able to use this computer. I kinda like the wind coming in from the window, though, as opposed to freezing in an air-conditioned room. The breeze calms me down. And I only had jambu potong with asam and cucumber with salt for lunch. By pukul 4 mesti lapar.

Ok, I'm done here.

Eh, wait! I wanna go see Ladyron lah this Saturday. And I have to find out about it now! It's tomorrow and I haven't find out anything except who and where.

Today's photo:

The gorgeous and marvellous Nancy Botwin. She can really pull off that 50s - 60s suburbia mom look here, with unbelievably sexy touch.

[Song on iPod when I finish: Scissor Sisters - Return to Oz]

Cuba menulis di malam yang panas.

[Song on iTunes when I start: Freezepop - Starlight]

Hey, it is so hot at nights now. It has not been raining for quite some time. And so I'm getting a hard time trying to sleep. Gila tak selesa ok terpusing-pusing cari spot yang paling sejuk.

Anyway, I just got back from watching our first Malaysian made 3D animation film. Geng: Upin & Ipin. It was good, in terms of the modelling & animation. I was amazed at the detailing done. Would never be able to do that although I did study the subject in uni. Never got the talents. Bravo to them! Their passion and hard work definitely shows through. Hoping for more to come from these guys.

I'm gonna start putting in random photos at the end of every post. There are lots of things we stumble upon everyday on the net that we like. I just don't want it to be forgotten amongst all the thousands of folders we all have in the computer.

Today's photo:

I just like her character and how she puts together her clothes. Couldn't stop staring. I love beautiful girls.

That's it. I'm done for today. Gonna get myself comfortable and read a book. Ta!

[Song on iTunes when I finish: Peaches - Fuck The Pain Away]

This is so typical me.

Yes, I am finally here. What happens to giving an avenue to myself, promising to pour out everything and anything that troubles me instead of keeping it inside and let it kill my soul? I am like that, and I am once again, thoroughly disappointed with myself because I have not changed. At all. I am still that person who cannot commit to anything that interests me for long. The spark doesn't last long enough. It withered away and die because I just couldn't hold on to it long enough to keep the wind away.

I keep on reading other people's blogs and spaces, admiring them for having a secret (although not so secret because I manage to read their words) place to go and talk about anything they want without a care in the world. I got myself one space, and I neglected it.

So I'm gonna start small. I'll make it a habit to log on everyday and at least type 1 sentence, just to make myself familiar with the works. I don't want to avoid anything from now on, because all those things that we avoid will always, always come back and slap you in the face, full force and you won't even know what hit you and how to react.

Anyway, I found some things over the net last week that made me smile:

#1

This cow was born about 1-2 days before Valentine's Day this year. He's from Japan. Appropriately named "Heart". I just think it's a gift that God gives us as a reminder to make us remember that there are always lots of love in the world. This photo reached out to me, and I am bouncing back with a warm heart. Yes, the world is awesome.

#2

I have always loved to look up and admire the sky. So mysterious, so quiet, so full of wisdom. It doesn't surprise me at all that we can learn so much just from analyzing the stars. And that is why I love this photo. This was taken in New Zealand. I wish we can have skies like this where I live so that I can very very happy at night before sleeptime. It really does look like thousands of diamond glittering in the black night. OK, millions. No, make it trillions, or zillions. The world is awesome.

#3

A firefighter sharing his bottle of water with a koala he found among the bush in the huge wildfire in Australia while the koala-his paws burned from walking through the smoldering earth and ash-puts its hand on the firefighter's cold hands from the water. The most heartwarming and touching photo ever! The koala must be so thankful. And my heart jumps out to the firefighter for having the most kindest heart, nevermind how sweaty he must be in that suit. Somehow, the scruffy hair and the dirt on his face makes up for everything. I think the world is awesome.

That's all. I'm reeking of positiveness today because I really think the world is awesome! Haha. I know, enough already.

1 Jan.

The Curve's fireworks on the eve of New Year is spectacular! Actually, it has always been like that. 15 long minutes of bangs, lights, and cheers in the dark sky. I was watching the show alone from my balcony. Lolita was with me but she was too scared of the booming sound and hid away under the sofa, eyes round and black. So cute. The fireworks is bigger and grander this year, like it was really determined to forget and chase away everything bad that happened in 2008 and start anew. I was smiling to myself, enjoying the colours of the fire in the sky. Was feeling a bit down by don't-know-what. Didn't have plans for the night. I wanted to go out actually, so in the end, we joined our friends at a BBQ party at their house. Bad reception for mobile lines at their housing area, I must tell. But nice house. We talked all night, planning for Langkawi. I always had fun with the boys.

Then on New Year's Day, I went to Pyramid with a friend's girl and walked around for more than 3 hours while waiting for the friend and my boy to finish listening to a "business presentation", just so that they can get our accommodation for Langkawi out of the way. Lucky they got that, or else I would have sulked for the remaining hours of the day. Went to the Curve and looked around for our engagement/wedding rings and so, we got ourselves our first expensive pieces of jewellery, and me my first diamond. It is not showy, it has a nice cut, and I'm happy with it. Now we are set to get married. Haha.

I sound boring here. But so what? I haven't do any resolutions except to save money to buy the tons of things we need to prepare, and I don't give a damn about it anyway. So yeah, I'm going back to wasting time and I'll come back when I feel like it, like always.