Hujan wang.

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Buka kepakmu, terbanglah, pergilah
Tiada gunanya kau melayang di sisiku lagi

My mind is reeling from a piece of news I read in an English daily just now. A man casually strolled through KL Sentral and again, very casually, decided to part with thousands of Ringgits. He just walked and threw the notes over his shoulder towards the air, never looking back as he did it. Very amazing. And it wasn't just RM1 notes, you know, there were RM10s, and RM50s as well. Thousands of it! The bystanders didn't know what to make of it, as it has never happened here before. Once the initial shock have died down, one person decided, 'Heck, if it's just going to be lying around here, I might as well rescue it from harm' and just bent down to pick it up from the floor.

(Tukar kepada lidah belacan. Personaliti terpisah, mungkin)

Jadi bila orang ramai yang sedang terpinga-pinga itu lihat ada orang berani ambil wang dari langit itu, apa lagi! Rebut! Orang Malaysia pula tu, takkan lah tiada episod rebutan. Lebih kurang macam naik bas atau LRT saja. Puasnya hati dapat duit percuma. Ada budak lelaki ini, dapat cekup RM600 untuk dirinya seorang. Mesti matanya hanya dapat tangkap warna not biru-hijau. Not merah tidak dilayan. Mahu beli telefon bimbit baru katanya.

Para pengawal dan sekuriti di KL Sentral sedang berusaha mencari identiti penderma itu sekarang. Ada tertangkap adegan ini di CCTV, jadi mungkin mereka sedang duduk menilik di depan skrin. Pada aku, biarkan saja. Dia mahu derma. Mungkin duit itu dia sudah tak mahu kenang, kerana tiadanya keluarga untuk dikongsi. Oh! Ataupun dia si cina yang baru menang Sports Toto RM20 juta semalam! Beberapa ribu pada dia mungkin tak jadi hal. Kalau dia mahu derma dan dikenali ramai, sudah pasti dia cetak cek sebesar yang mungkin dan panggil semua media datang dan tersenyum-senyum. Aku paling tak suka gambar orang menderma dalam suratkhabar. Tunjuk pemurah konon.

Aku cuma dengki sebab aku kena kerja dan bukan kebetulan berada di KL Sental semalam.Haha 'Sental' ya? Malas nak betulkan.

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Bila kupandang burung itu yang melayang tinggi
Bermain angin, menyapa bayu, berjenaka dengan awan
Sesuatu yang aneh, janggal dan keji bergolak di jiwa
Bagai mahu saja aku robek, koyak sayapnya buat aku simpan
Kerna satu saat itu yang kuhayati terbang tingginya
Buat aku rasa marah, tiadanya sayap untukku jua

Friends' photos of their ongoing big trip are all over the place and I'm feeling so jealous. This 'thing' has been nagging me since forever. I've been made to witness people around me get to spread out and fly away, anywhere. Work, trips, vacation, study. Doesn't really matter where or why. I don't mean to be selfish, and make this all about me, but it's what I feel.

For the longest time, I've been feeling like a goldfish in a round fishbowl. I've always felt like I'm made for a bigger place, I'm made to see more, to walk more. But here I am. I told people that I'm running away, but still, here I am. My feet deeply planted in the ground. I'm beginning to feel that I purposely do not make any attempt to get my feet off the ground, simply because I am already too attached to the dirt. The warmth. The certainty. But it's getting to be really frustrating because most parts of me do not want to be here. I'm tired of this great longing and desire I've been living with all these years. I would love to get it out of my system and just move on with my life, you know?

I'm tired of talking, of always planting the seeds but doesn't care enough to even bother watering it. None of my desired trees have ever borne any fruit. Typical me.

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Kosong.

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Kosong.
Tiada apa, hanya ruang.
Tiada isi, tiada barang.
Hendaknya bersuara, tiada pula tekaknya.
Hendaknya menulis, tiada pula katanya.
Apalah yang kamu mahu?
Sudah aku usaha berikan semua.
Masih kamu kosong.

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Gotta feel it like you should.

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If it's what your heart wants to
Then let it say it, pour it out, even shout
Let it scream, let it whisper
Hold out a hand, a container
Catch whatever flowed out
If it explodes, don't run
Don't be numb, don't be stunned
Watch the sparks, admire the fire
It'll sizzle down when it wants to
Just let it be
Let it be free

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Ucapan selamat.

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Hati aku sudah lama minta ini.
Minta, pujuk, rayu supaya aku beri ia satu ruang, satu padang, satu gunung untuk ia luahkan apa ia rasa.
Aku sudah beri, bukan tak pernah. Tapi setelah 2-3 tempat aku cari, bosan pula.
Malas nak jaga.
Jadi hati, ini kali terakhir (kita harap sajalah ya?) aku buka tempat baru ini. Kalau tak ada apa-apa, kalau tiba-tiba engkau senyap sahaja, aku tak mahu layan lagi.
Mahu cakap? Cakap sini.
Jeritlah, bisiklah, tangislah.
Aku tinggal engkau di sini, ya?

I wish you luck.

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