Can I say the F word?

I am in no mood to follow any format whatsoever. Just want to vent out.

I am desperately looking for a new job, while still having to endure the shitty situations and pressure from people around me, unpredictable and frustrating environment at work. Oh, God. How I wish I can just stop going to work one day and just leave that life away. [Note to self: Never ever get yourself lured back into this situation]

I was doing a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. Come to think of it - it's been months. I am no longer me. I don't feel like I am the same person as I was before. All because of this job. I lost my purpose in life. I lost my passion. I lost my interest. I lost my time. I lost my heart. In fact, I lost myself.

Is that how I would want to live for years to come? Hell, no! Definitely na-ah! I have lots of things that I know I do not want. But the hardest thing to figure out is this: Then, what do yo want? What do you like? What do you love? What do you want to do? Maybe to some other lucky people, they can answer all this in a snap! "Hey, I've always wanted to be a doctor/lawyer/teacher etc." But me, I have never known what I want to be. I am still the rower who just started to pick up her row, staring into the far distance of the sea, trying to figure out which way is better to avoid the suffocating and horrible land, while the boat bobs away on the water, waiting for her to go. Saying, "Hey, come on! Make up your mind already. You want to get out of there, then just go! Go! Go! GO!" And the rower just stands there. Oblivious to the shouts and pressure. Cause she's simply struck numb. And I am her.

And this is supposed to be my positive year. I am supposed to be happy, looking forward to lots of new, wonderful things. And yet, I am miserable, tired, bored and unhappy. Should I change the way I think? Well, I think I do, but I just don't know how. Yes, it's an excuse, but it is so hard to pick yourself up again when you keep falling down. You simply forget to look up and see the road beyond. All you see is the dirt you collected.

Damn, life is hard. Forget about the "Knowledge is power" thing. MONEY is power. Money is everything now and here. It can buy happiness. It can buy dreams. It can buy everything you'd ever want.

I have been writing thoughtlessly. And I think this note is becoming incomprehensible. Definitely not on the same train of thoughts.

Oh, well. To hell with everything. What actually saddens me more, is that I am finding it harder and harder for me to smile. And I am the girl who's known to stick out my teeth and just smile at everybody. My smile was cheap back then. Now, the ugly frown is permanently on the top of my forehead. I wear a scowl everywhere I go. Go figure. I just need a saviour. Someone to offer me their hand and just guide me on the path.

I'll just wait. With a frown and a scowl.