Positivity reeks here.

I am talking to a friend on YM now. Was telling her about my plan to get married and my troubles going down that road and she hers. I divulged my excitement of meeting my first nephew next year and she said:

"Wow. While everyone is on crisis, u got tons of things to look fwd to"

I was stunned. Got me thinking, "Huh, I DO have a lot of things to look forward to." While every prediction about 2009 I encountered gave news of grave situations, my life next year is looking promising for now. I have things to look forward and to be happy about. Even if I stumbled upon the pebbles on the road, I have a reason to look up and get my feet off the ground, for I have things waiting for me up front. My heart is lighter now, just thinking about this. This year has not been so good to me, that I notice I've turned into some pessimist, unhappy girl. That thing my friend said has lifted all regrets away and made me realize that my life will not be that bad after all. She gives me a reason to continue on hoping and be happy, for things ARE looking up for me.

I have a vacation next month to Langkawi; going to be away for 4 days with a big group of friends and the boyfriend. First ever vacation with him in 9 years we've been together, I must say. Don't know what to expect, but I'm determined to enjoy ourselves and have fun. Definitely starting the year with a bang!

The next month after, I'm going away to see and admire Angkor Wat with my favourite girls on earth. It's going to be so fun doing sightseeing together and talk craps while eating and camwhoring. These girls who I love to death can make me die in happiness, I tell you.

My birthday is in February on a Friday, so I am already planning to go out having fun in the night. It's very rare that I have a chance to really celebrate my birthday due to work commitments and all, so I'm looking forward to welcome the addition of another year to my being also with a bang!

And I will probably be wearing the ring in August, when my brother comes back with the baby. Oh, another joyous thing to be happy about!

I am so full of positivity right now, I can go through today with a secret smile in my heart, knowing that by tomorrow, my life is changing for the better.

English Mode: ON

Phew! That was a really angry post down there, huh?

Anyway, I'm feeling better today and now in my leisurely working state. I don't really have anything to rush, due to the minimal workload here in the office. And I'm still counting days until my vacation trip next month. Really can't wait!

Another anywayy, I got my first ever nephew on Christmas Day. A boy. But he's wayyy over the seas around the world in UK. Can only meet him when my brother comes back next year, hopefully for my wedding (gasp!). Can't really believe I'm getting married at last. Knowing me, it may or may not happen. Cross fingers, touch wood, make a wish on the well, whatever. But I now have a valid reason to buy those little cute shoes I've been admiring since forever. Don't really like kids, and I'm forever awkward when I'm thrown into the situation where there's a supposedly cute toddler around, and everybody goes "ooh" and gaga over. I always do not know what to do or say. I suspect the kid will really find it weird if I do those crazy, cute faces I see people do. I'm more comfortable with cats. But I think I'd like to have kids someday (not now!), as I don't ever want to be an old maid living with 30 cats in the house.

I'm annoyed with all these noises from the renovation work going on in my office now. Can't hear anything without asking everyone repeating what they're saying again and again. Can't even hear myself think. *takes a deep breath* But I'm not going to be angry today. I'm not.

I should think about New Year resolutions now. Although I'll be lying to myself, pretending to set up goals and attempting to fulfil it like 20088759937 other people who draw up their own resolutions. I mean, it takes a really strong person emotionally and mentally to take up the challenge. I'm not one of those people, but what the heck, I'll do it anyway and laugh at myself when the year ends. Oh, talking about new year, I dig the bubble wrap calendar that New Yorker guy invented. It satisfies the bubble popper persona inside us. I mean, everyone likes to pop air bubbles, right? I know I do. Just takes a bit of courage and patience not to pop everything on 1st Jan. Hehe, now that's fun!

OK, as usual, I'll come back when I have more to say.

p/s: I notice that I don't have much idea of writing anything nowadays. Especially those short notes, those supposed "poems" of mine. Oh crap. Memang hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Bosan-bosan pergi makan bayam. LAME.

Hari ini ku datang riang...NOT!

Hampir sebulan baru aku datang sini balik? Memanglah perangai batuk di tepi tangga, hangat-hangat tahi ayam segala. Tapi oklah kira, sekurang-kurangnya aku masih ingat aku ada blog ini. Tak siapa pun suruh kemaskini setiap hari. Aku bukannya tak ada kerja.

Ok, aku nak cakap ni. Aku tulis dalam bentuk poin (tak tahu patut ada huruf T ke tak kalau aku niat nak eja dalam Bahasa Melayu...ke Bahasa Malaysia? Dah tak dapat keep track), sebab suka:

1. Aku benci sebab banyak syarikat lain, termasuk segala klien aku cuti terus sampai cuti Tahun Baru, padahal aku cuti sehari, sehari secara rompong. Maksudnya mereka cuti dari Khamis sampailahhhh Ahad 4hb tu. Sebab cuti Krismas, Awal Muharram dan Tahun Baru dekat-dekat. Kan ke gila lama tu? Dah la aku ni kerja hari Sabtu. Memang rasa macam nak mencarut, tapi sebab aku tak biasa mencarut, aku rasa sajalah, tak buat pun. Tak tahu nak kata apa dah, malas gila jadi layankan saja. Semua kawan aku dah lama cakap aku ni "workaholic", satu-satunya perkataan dan jenis manusia yang paling aku benci. Sebab aku tak pernah rasa aku patut biarkan diri aku jadi salah seorang "workaholic". Dan sekarang aku tengah menulis benda ni di pejabat, which is absurd, sebab aku ada talian Internet di rumah.

2. Ini ada kaitan dengan Poin 1. Dah tahu kita tengah musim cuti, tak reti kah nak bagi gaji awal sedikit dari biasa? Hujung tahun ni wei. Jualan murah berlambak-lambak. Aku pulak hampir kering kontang. Orang lain punya bermegah sebab dapat gaji awal, siap bonus 2-3 bulan buat hati aku panas gila. Sebab aku di sini dibiarkan ternganga. Dah lah aku baru dapat tahu "orang atasan" di syarikat aku sudah dapat gajinya, siap ada yang dapat bonus 5 bulan. Memang nak buat aku marah la ni.

3. Maaf aku sedikit bitter. Memang tekanan perasaan habis. Tapi dengan sedikitnya hari cuti yang aku ada, aku telah gunakan Sabtu dan Ahad sepenuhnya untuk diri sendiri. Hari Sabtu, aku tonton filem dalam 3-4 berturut-turut. Puas hati aku. Hari Ahad, aku tidur sampai tengahari seperti biasa. Bangun makan, dan sambung tonton DVD lagi. Kemas rumah sikit-sikit, dan bermain-main dengan kucing.

4. Aku mahu layari Internet dan blog orang, tapi rasa bosan. Sebab aku tertekan dengan poin 1 dan 2.

5. Aku beli satu skirt secara online, sudah bayar semua, tapi masih belum sampai. Sedang tunggu lah ni. Entah bila.

6. Tak sabar mahu tunggu untuk bercuti. Tahun lepas aku tak dapat ke mana-mana, itulah sebab aku terlebih tertekan. Tahun depan bulan 1 mahu ke Langkawi, dan bulan 2 ke Siem Reap, melawat Angkor Wat. Ambik kau, berturut-turut. Puas hati aku.

7. Banyak dan selalu sangat tertekan, mungkin dah sampai masanya aku pergi ke tempat lain. Ini aku sudah cakap banyak kali, tapi memang tak buat. Aku tak tahu kenapa. Aku nak ke taknak? Pergilah, maksud aku. Orang sekeliling sudah tak larat dengar aku merungut. Tapi memang ini aku. All bark, no bite.

OK, aku dah kehabisan idea mahu cakap apa. Aku post ini dulu, kalau ada lagi, aku datang balik. Sekarang aku nak buang masa. Lagi 7 jam ke waktu pulang.

Tony Fernandes, aku sangat sayang kamu!

Aku baca di Yahoo News tadi, bahawa Air Asia X telah melancarkan penerbangan ke London! Harga mula dari 99 pounds. Ah, idaman aku telah menjadi kenyataan nampaknya. Tak tahu bagaimana mahu gambarkan. Dengan pantas aku klik ke laman webnya dan pastinya, booking untuk musim sejuk dan panas tahun 2009 sudah dibuka!

Paling murah yang aku tengok setakat ini ialah RM579 sehala. Mungkin ada lagi. Sambil aku tulis sini, sambil berangan untuk pilih tarikh. Ohhhhh, kalau aku jadi kahwin tahun depan, dapatlah aku pergi melancong ke sana untuk bulan madu dengan kadar lebih murah. Sangat sangat sangat gembira!

Terima kasih banyak-banyak Tony!

Rawak #2

Sekali lagi. Aku memanglah seorang yang random gila. Setakat ini hampir kebanyakan benda yang aku buat dan fikir, segalanya random. Segalanya on impulse. Macamlah kelahiran blog ini. Spur of the moment. Tak tahu berapa lama boleh bertahan.

1.
Pagi tadi semasa aku dalam kereta menunggu lampu isyarat hijau mahu datang kerja, tiba-tiba fikiran dan hati aku terdetik, "Maggi Ayam!" Memang tiba-tiba. Dan aku pun decide mahu makan Maggi Ayam untuk santapan tengahari. Jadi tadi, aku berjalan ke kedai mini berdekatan dan beli 1 pek 5 peket Maggi. RM4.30 ok? Aku tak tahu harganya sudah jadi sebegitu mahal. Dan sekarang aku pun kenyang makan. Seperti biasa, penutup santapan ialah buah jambu batu potong.

2.
Semalam, semasa sedang tengok-tengok YouTube, terjumpa video tentang Human Tetris. Sangat tabik pada kekreatifan dan kerajinan dan kesungguhan pembuatnya. Aku belum pandai nak upload video segala. Nantilah.

3.
Aku tak tahu kenapa, tapi aku panggil lampu isyarat yang tengah, sebagai warna "Oren". Jadi bila pemandu kereta yang aku naiki tekan pedal minyak untuk terus laju sebab kononnya masih sempat (seperti majoriti pemandu di Malaysia), aku akan cakap, "Eh, janganlah speed, kan dah oren tu?" Pemandu dan orang-orang yang mendengar mesti akan ketawakan aku, sebab mengikut piawaian yang ditetapkan, warnanya patut disebut "Kuning". Padahal terang-terang warnanya jingga. Peliklah aku.

4.
Aku ada blog, walaupun baru. Aku tulis dalam blog, walaupun baru. Tapi aku rasa gelilah nak gelar diri sendiri blogger. Yang berada dalam blogosphere katanya. Yang bersosial dalam blogging community. Yekkk.

5.
Aku tak boleh nak bawa diri aku untuk tengok gambar-gambar kawan aku yang sedang menjelajah bumi Eropah sekarang. Sebulan, mungkin dua bulan. Hati aku akan jadi rasa semacam, yang aku macam bersalah nak rasa, sebab culture mengatakan kita yang patut gembira untuk dia. Tapi, bukankah kita patut rasa apa yang ia mahu rasa? Biarlah hati kita nak rasa macam mana pun. Buat apa nak tahan-tahan? Ah, mampuslah. Aku dengki ok? Aku dengki.

Ok itu saja. Cukup...setakat ni lah.

Di celahan hati usang.

I

Adanya suatu ketika
Di celah halaman waktu
Di antara perenggan masa
Datangnya bayu dingin membaluti jiwa
Terlalai aku, nyenyaklah aku
Meresap ia di celah ruang hati
Halus
Sepi
Dan nyalaan terang api hati aku padam.

II

Di saat ia beku dingin
Hadir jejaka, tadah sekeping hatinya
Dipotong, dihias indah penuh tulus
Minta kujamah isi merah segar
Terujanya diri
Datang sang obor tuk cucuh nyala api

(akan disambung kelak)

Rawak.

1. Aku. Aku yang rawak.
2. Sangat tidak boleh buat keputusan dan stick with it. Sudah pun aku tukar layout blog ini.
3. English/Bahasa Melayu (atau Malaysia?).
4. Aku benci perkataan 'baharu' dalam versi iklan terkini.
5. Aku suka hujan. Hujan sebenar. Bukan kumpulan muzik itu.
6. Sedang suka Yuna sebab suaranya hampir serupa dengan Rachael Yamagata / Feist. Semestinya, lagu dia sedap.
7. Mahu pergi Melaka untuk naik Menara Taming Sari walaupun aku takut tinggi. Haritu tak sempat sebab kekurangan masa.
8. iPod aku belum diupdate lagi dengan lagu baru dimuat turun.
9. Aku mahu beli buku nota Moleskine.
10. Sudah lama tak melawat Che Det.com.
11. Aku mahu gaji lebih.

Itu saja. Memang random habis.

Looking forward to...

...read this book.
And watch the movie.

This confirmed my own long-time suspicion that I actually crave and live for any stories, books or films made out of the Holocaust. I love the human stories behind the war, of how in between the pain and the suffering, beauty still managed to show through, no matter how sad or happy the stories made us feel. Humans are naturally kind, knowing when to give away pieces of their heart to others who need it the most. There are numerous tales about true Germans or Nazis who can't help but throw their pities and sympathies the other way, towards the reduced-to-lesser-than-human Jews. I applaud them. I want to believe that there are still love and kindness in human. I don't want to lose hope on it, ever.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is a typical story of how a Nazi boy befriended a Jewish boy, who is stuck in a concentration camp. Wouldn't want to explain more until I read the book and watch the film. (I'm sure the film can never capture the book fully, like all the other book-to-film before it. I'll watch it anyway.) But no matter how many times I've read these stories, I long to learn more about it. To read more, to know more.

Here are some stories I've read and watched about this particular war:

1. The Diary of A Young Girl - Anne Frank (book)
2. The Book Thief (book)
3. A Beautiful Life (film)
4. The Pianist (film)

There are more, but I can't remember all now.
I want to write more about other things, but maybe in next post.
I'm starting to ramble here.
.

The world is boiling.

.
Earthquakes, floods, storms, massive fires. The earth is on its deathbed
It frightens me, somehow. Is this the end of our fate?

It scares the shit out of me. To hear millions been forced to bid farewell
What have we done to bring on this wrath. Is the numbers still going to swell?

Oh, it's not some fictitious tale anymore. The truth is screaming, blaring, shouting
Cover your ears, close your eyes, shut them out. You can't deny, the reality is here, definitely happening.
.

Cerita iPod lagi.

.

Tadi semasa aku sedang lepak merokok di luar pejabat, aku nampak bos pejabat sebelah aku berjalan keluar dengan memegang tangan anak lelakinya. Budak berumur lebih kurang darjah 1 atau 2 (aku memang sangat bodoh bab meneka umur orang), memakai baju dan seluar pendek biru. Mahu berjalan ke kereta lagak mereka berdua.

Aku terperasan yang budak itu ada tersangkut earbuds putih iPod di kedua telinganya. Kalau Steve Jobs nampak mesti bangga, budak seumur itu sudah pandai menghargai muzik dan iPodnya. iPod apa budak itu guna, aku tak nampak, sebab terletak di dalam poket. Tapi aku mahu agak, sekurang-kurangnya nano atau shuffle. Sebab poket budak lelaki umur 7-8 tahun mestilah tak sebesar mana.

Yang buat aku tertanya, lagu apa yang dia sedang dengar? Sampai sekarang aku masih fikir. Mungkinkah Barney? Mungkinkah lagu latar Spongebob Squarepants? Atau lagu-lagu dari filem High School Musical? Aku tak tahu lah. Kalau aku jenis muka gila selamba dan tak malu dengan bapanya, mungkin aku sudah pergi tegur dia dan tanya.

Hish, geram. Lagu apa?
.

The iPod revolution.

[Photo stolen from here]

That is the title of the documentary I watched last night on Discovery Channel. The show earned Steve Jobs and Apple my highest respect for their mind-blowing idea, their determination and dedication to bring us the joy of holding a beautifully and lovely made iPod in our hands; if not always.

Definitely, the iPod is the most fairest of all. Bar none. No other brands or competitors can come close enough to run side by side with the iPods. The world has always been putting Apple products high up there on the golden pedestal and worship it like there's no other. But with the arrival of the first iPod, it escalated the pedestal much, much higher. Steve definitely put all his love and heart in it. And I couldn't thank him enough.

I have my own iPod. A touch. When I watched the show, I couldn't help feeling a proud love growing big inside of me. I felt the urge to take it out of my bag and to hold it at that moment. It is that beautiful and made such an impact to your life and heart. You don't love other gadgets like you love an Apple. It does not only hold your precious music close, but it gives out the best sound, the best appearance, and makes your person complete, just by sitting quietly in your pocket or hanging by your hands. Even something as simple as the white earbuds made it whole. Simple, yet classic and stylish. It has slipped through our lives and culture slowly but surely, and there it's gonna stay. Although Apples do cost a bomb, it's worth every penny and every teardrop. Not kidding.

I'm downloading more songs to put in mine, and busy looking up for album covers to sync with the songs as well. I love you Steve Jobs! More lovely things coming?

p/s: Oh, I'm planning to buy a Macbook!

.

Rabu.

.

Aku sudah tulis sekerat tentang trip kami ke Melaka.

Tapi malas nak habiskan, sebab pagi ini aku malas bangun untuk pergi kerja, dan sekarang sedang lapar. Lapar ni, betul.

Dan segala komen di Facebook tentang trip itu, banyak gila kot!

.

Trippy trip.

I'm going on a roadtrip today! Hurray!

One of my closest friends from school is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. And we are invited to her small 'do down in Melaka. I have always loved the small lanes and paved sidewalks in the centre town. It's Melaka's pumping, beating heart. Without the antique small shops, without the blood-coloured blocks, Melaka won't be alive, in my mind at least. Can't wait for a Sunday walk tomorrow around town, peeking into shops tucked in nicely between the nooks and corners in Jonker's Street. I want to eat and talk and walk and laugh. Much! A mini holiday, I like.

The weather is always nice there. Haha, I'm seeing everything through a rose-tinted glass here. Because I'm too excited! Going anywhere with my girls has always been a fun, and happy experience. We know each other so well, not afraid to laugh at our own weaknesses and faults, and we tease each other tirelessly. All are good. These are friends we've known since we were dumped to live with each other as 13 years olds. 14 years ago. I'll do anything for these girls. Like what we used to say and write to each other when the end of school days loomed - Friends 4eva. Sangatlah budak sekolah.

Ah, I better get back to work now and finish before the half-day of work ends. Bye-bye!

Aku perlu tulis ini.

.

Rasa kecewa datang lagi.
Aku tak mengerti kenapa datangnya ia bagai pasang surutnya ombak.
Bila ia datang, hempas kuat sekali.
Bila ia pergi, nah, tinggalkan sisa buih yang nampak amat sedih.
Ditinggalkan ibunya air.

Aku sangat mahu pergi.
Hatiku ronta-ronta pinta mahu langkah.
Tapi kaki aku masih terpacak kukuh di tanah.
Apa lagi yang ia nantikan?
Tiadanya tali yang menarik dari belakang.
Tiada pula gari melingkar di tangan.
Apa lagi bola besi berat yang mengheret.

Diriku bebas untuk pergi.
Tapi dengan adanya onak di depan.
Dengan ganasnya ombak di lautan.
Dengan tingginya burung di awan.
Buat aku rasa kecut.
Tidak yakin.
Tidak cukup kukuh hatiku untuk langkah, renang dan terbang.
Walau ia sangat mahu bebas.

Perlu kubalut lagi sekuatnya.
Agar mampu lalui semua.
Supaya tak mudah rapuh, dan berkecai.
Kerna tak semua yang simpati.
Sekali terlerai, terbuka semua luka.
Harus pula dibalut semula.
Cukupkah kain untuk dicarik dan dililit.
Sebanyak kali itu?

.

Hujan wang.

.

Buka kepakmu, terbanglah, pergilah
Tiada gunanya kau melayang di sisiku lagi

My mind is reeling from a piece of news I read in an English daily just now. A man casually strolled through KL Sentral and again, very casually, decided to part with thousands of Ringgits. He just walked and threw the notes over his shoulder towards the air, never looking back as he did it. Very amazing. And it wasn't just RM1 notes, you know, there were RM10s, and RM50s as well. Thousands of it! The bystanders didn't know what to make of it, as it has never happened here before. Once the initial shock have died down, one person decided, 'Heck, if it's just going to be lying around here, I might as well rescue it from harm' and just bent down to pick it up from the floor.

(Tukar kepada lidah belacan. Personaliti terpisah, mungkin)

Jadi bila orang ramai yang sedang terpinga-pinga itu lihat ada orang berani ambil wang dari langit itu, apa lagi! Rebut! Orang Malaysia pula tu, takkan lah tiada episod rebutan. Lebih kurang macam naik bas atau LRT saja. Puasnya hati dapat duit percuma. Ada budak lelaki ini, dapat cekup RM600 untuk dirinya seorang. Mesti matanya hanya dapat tangkap warna not biru-hijau. Not merah tidak dilayan. Mahu beli telefon bimbit baru katanya.

Para pengawal dan sekuriti di KL Sentral sedang berusaha mencari identiti penderma itu sekarang. Ada tertangkap adegan ini di CCTV, jadi mungkin mereka sedang duduk menilik di depan skrin. Pada aku, biarkan saja. Dia mahu derma. Mungkin duit itu dia sudah tak mahu kenang, kerana tiadanya keluarga untuk dikongsi. Oh! Ataupun dia si cina yang baru menang Sports Toto RM20 juta semalam! Beberapa ribu pada dia mungkin tak jadi hal. Kalau dia mahu derma dan dikenali ramai, sudah pasti dia cetak cek sebesar yang mungkin dan panggil semua media datang dan tersenyum-senyum. Aku paling tak suka gambar orang menderma dalam suratkhabar. Tunjuk pemurah konon.

Aku cuma dengki sebab aku kena kerja dan bukan kebetulan berada di KL Sental semalam.Haha 'Sental' ya? Malas nak betulkan.

.

.

Bila kupandang burung itu yang melayang tinggi
Bermain angin, menyapa bayu, berjenaka dengan awan
Sesuatu yang aneh, janggal dan keji bergolak di jiwa
Bagai mahu saja aku robek, koyak sayapnya buat aku simpan
Kerna satu saat itu yang kuhayati terbang tingginya
Buat aku rasa marah, tiadanya sayap untukku jua

Friends' photos of their ongoing big trip are all over the place and I'm feeling so jealous. This 'thing' has been nagging me since forever. I've been made to witness people around me get to spread out and fly away, anywhere. Work, trips, vacation, study. Doesn't really matter where or why. I don't mean to be selfish, and make this all about me, but it's what I feel.

For the longest time, I've been feeling like a goldfish in a round fishbowl. I've always felt like I'm made for a bigger place, I'm made to see more, to walk more. But here I am. I told people that I'm running away, but still, here I am. My feet deeply planted in the ground. I'm beginning to feel that I purposely do not make any attempt to get my feet off the ground, simply because I am already too attached to the dirt. The warmth. The certainty. But it's getting to be really frustrating because most parts of me do not want to be here. I'm tired of this great longing and desire I've been living with all these years. I would love to get it out of my system and just move on with my life, you know?

I'm tired of talking, of always planting the seeds but doesn't care enough to even bother watering it. None of my desired trees have ever borne any fruit. Typical me.

.

Kosong.

.

Kosong.
Tiada apa, hanya ruang.
Tiada isi, tiada barang.
Hendaknya bersuara, tiada pula tekaknya.
Hendaknya menulis, tiada pula katanya.
Apalah yang kamu mahu?
Sudah aku usaha berikan semua.
Masih kamu kosong.

.

Gotta feel it like you should.

.

If it's what your heart wants to
Then let it say it, pour it out, even shout
Let it scream, let it whisper
Hold out a hand, a container
Catch whatever flowed out
If it explodes, don't run
Don't be numb, don't be stunned
Watch the sparks, admire the fire
It'll sizzle down when it wants to
Just let it be
Let it be free

.

Ucapan selamat.

.

Hati aku sudah lama minta ini.
Minta, pujuk, rayu supaya aku beri ia satu ruang, satu padang, satu gunung untuk ia luahkan apa ia rasa.
Aku sudah beri, bukan tak pernah. Tapi setelah 2-3 tempat aku cari, bosan pula.
Malas nak jaga.
Jadi hati, ini kali terakhir (kita harap sajalah ya?) aku buka tempat baru ini. Kalau tak ada apa-apa, kalau tiba-tiba engkau senyap sahaja, aku tak mahu layan lagi.
Mahu cakap? Cakap sini.
Jeritlah, bisiklah, tangislah.
Aku tinggal engkau di sini, ya?

I wish you luck.

.