3 February.

I am having a nice, quiet day today.

I've got an internet connection at home now, so I believe I will be able to write in here quite often. Though I doubt it very much. Spent some time in Facebook, where it's a quiet day as well for most of my friends. Not much activity going on. So to make myself useful, I'm downloading some music because I've meaning to update my iTunes for the longest time now. It was raining about 1-2 hours ago, and I felt really calm.

You know, I was not this person before. I would never feel calm or happy being with my own self. I used to need to be with and around people. I must have grown without me realizing it, because most of the time, I feel quite the same inside. But now, I think I can actually handle going out on my own, or even just having myself as my only company. I wouldn't say that I want to be like this all the time, but I am not as restless as I would feel years ago. I am still this dependent on other people, especially towards my other half.

Oh well. I'll talk more when I have the mood. Oh, this is my birthday month. Hmmm.

I can't believe...

that the last time I wrote in here was in July 2009!

Wow, why am I surprised? It's just so me. Anyway, happy 2010 to me. This year, I decide that I want to have a resolution. Just to see how am I doing in life. If I am capable to get things done and achieve something that I can be proud of.

This year, in January, I'm starting with these facts:

1. I am married.
2. I have moved to a new house, although still renting.
3. I do not have a car.
4. I have a new bigger refrigerator, a washing machine, and a 32" LCD TV.
5. I am still looking for a job. With good salary.

So I want to see how far am I gonna go this year. See whether I can still go on to write things in here. OH AM I FICKLE!

OK, I'm off to surf some more until I have things to really talk about.

This is for me to remember him.

Hi, I'm back.

Michael Jackson is dead. Facebook was full of updated status of people acknowledging the fact the day after. Sure, he was someone that have always been a piece of enigma to all of us. A subject of ridicule and all those dirty things brought on by his fame. But still, a part of me was sad that he's gone. I mean, our generation grows with his music. Who has never heard of him?

There was a televised memorial service for him yesterday, and I watched the repeat show last night. It was the most beautiful and heartwrenching thing I ever saw on TV. All those people who spoke from their hearts, people who knew him as a person, someone they knew inside. Not the freak as everyone was led to believe. I love Brooke Shield's speech. I can feel her broken heart as she struggles not to break down. And I like the part where she said Michael is not a King, but rather, a Little Prince and proceeded to quote lines from the book, where the pilot ponders upon the Prince's body after his death.

Reverend Al Sharpton's speech was powerful! I cannot help but cry and clap my hands at the way he put those words together. It was beautiful. My heart swelled when he said, "To Michael's children, your daddy wasn't strange. What happened to him was strange, and he dealt with it!" Or something to that effect. W.O.W!

Of course, the part that broke everyone was his daughter's goodbye to him, standing before his coffin. Paris reminds us all that Michael - without the sequinned glove, without the hat, no longer standing on his toes, no longer basking in the spotlight and the thunderous applause after every show - was just a regular Daddy. Sad. But beautiful.

Goodbye Michael. You will always be remembered for your music and the massive impact you've made during your stay. You unite the world, and put hope in the future for all of us. Rest well. I just hope that they will leave you alone now.

Something struck me...

and got me thinking. No matter how dependent you are on other people, no matter how they always be there for you, no matter how big a favour you need from them, no matter how big the love you have for each other and how big the sacrifice they're willing to do for you; you will always be alone. In making your own decision, in deciding what's best to do for your own good, in protecting your own heart when you sense it's about to be broken. We are in charge of our own self and destiny.

Of course, I knew this before today. But like I said, it just struck me and got me thinking more deeply about this than I ever was. I am currently in the middle of doing something big in my life. Not one, but two big things. How's that? Ok, let's not beat around the bushes and I'll let it out (as if I've never written about it before, duh!): I am getting married and buying a house, all within these few months.

Obviously, there is someone else involved. I was thinking, I have someone that I can share this wonderful journey with, together. It should be fun, doing this thing, together. Well, up till now, all I can see is that it's just me, producing this on my own. I tried to delegate, but nothing is being done on the other part on the basis that he's tired from work, no time, don't know where to start without money, blahblahblah...then? I myself do not have these privileges, but at least I am aware that I really have to do this. No matter how much I dread it, I still know that I have to really have to make myself do it, even if I have to drag my feet. Oh, why oh why have nobody warned me about this? I am sure that I am not the first person to experience this; men dumping everything on the woman just because they don't feel like it. Oh, I'm just flabbergasted, actually, when I saw this status: keep pushing me and miserable july awaits. I was just checking on the progress that I tasked him to do! I can't be doing everything on my own. He's a part of that thing as much as I am! Time is short, so how can he still expects us both to be doing nothing and hopes that everything falls into place perfectly? Men! Grrrhhh!!

So that thing made me realize that if you want things to be done - and someone that you have entrusted to help you do it is unable to do so - just roll up your sleeve and do it yourself. You only have yourself to rely on. You do not need to depend on someone else. You're in charge of what you want. Take a stand. Take a grip. If you really want it, grit your teeth and just get on with it. Just don't think about all those emotional things. Don't dwell on feelings. Sacrifice. Forget. Forgive. Compromise.

[That was me advising myself. I have to. And I sounded so mature. Yes, I made progress and am proud of myself. I have grown, I think. I am trying to break free from the person who is always helpless, dependent, and whiny. And I really made progress here. *Giving a pat for myself on the back, cause i cannot depend on somebody else*]

Note: I am not sure what was I babbling above, but I'll just click on "Publish" anyway, just to prove myself that sometimes, I am just an emotional piece of crap.

Wed, 22 April.

[Song on iTunes when I start: Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon)

Another day in living hell. I woke up today with the heaviest heart. Can barely drag myself out of bed, knowing that I have to go work. Not a good way to start your morning.

On a different note, I'm loving Rachael more than ever. Her new album is just hauntingly beautiful; fits well with my mood and current turbulent emotion.

And that is all today.

Note to self: Survive today.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: still the same as above]

Today's photo: NONE.

Can I say the F word?

I am in no mood to follow any format whatsoever. Just want to vent out.

I am desperately looking for a new job, while still having to endure the shitty situations and pressure from people around me, unpredictable and frustrating environment at work. Oh, God. How I wish I can just stop going to work one day and just leave that life away. [Note to self: Never ever get yourself lured back into this situation]

I was doing a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. Come to think of it - it's been months. I am no longer me. I don't feel like I am the same person as I was before. All because of this job. I lost my purpose in life. I lost my passion. I lost my interest. I lost my time. I lost my heart. In fact, I lost myself.

Is that how I would want to live for years to come? Hell, no! Definitely na-ah! I have lots of things that I know I do not want. But the hardest thing to figure out is this: Then, what do yo want? What do you like? What do you love? What do you want to do? Maybe to some other lucky people, they can answer all this in a snap! "Hey, I've always wanted to be a doctor/lawyer/teacher etc." But me, I have never known what I want to be. I am still the rower who just started to pick up her row, staring into the far distance of the sea, trying to figure out which way is better to avoid the suffocating and horrible land, while the boat bobs away on the water, waiting for her to go. Saying, "Hey, come on! Make up your mind already. You want to get out of there, then just go! Go! Go! GO!" And the rower just stands there. Oblivious to the shouts and pressure. Cause she's simply struck numb. And I am her.

And this is supposed to be my positive year. I am supposed to be happy, looking forward to lots of new, wonderful things. And yet, I am miserable, tired, bored and unhappy. Should I change the way I think? Well, I think I do, but I just don't know how. Yes, it's an excuse, but it is so hard to pick yourself up again when you keep falling down. You simply forget to look up and see the road beyond. All you see is the dirt you collected.

Damn, life is hard. Forget about the "Knowledge is power" thing. MONEY is power. Money is everything now and here. It can buy happiness. It can buy dreams. It can buy everything you'd ever want.

I have been writing thoughtlessly. And I think this note is becoming incomprehensible. Definitely not on the same train of thoughts.

Oh, well. To hell with everything. What actually saddens me more, is that I am finding it harder and harder for me to smile. And I am the girl who's known to stick out my teeth and just smile at everybody. My smile was cheap back then. Now, the ugly frown is permanently on the top of my forehead. I wear a scowl everywhere I go. Go figure. I just need a saviour. Someone to offer me their hand and just guide me on the path.

I'll just wait. With a frown and a scowl.

What I've been up to.

I just came back from lunch and work. It was raining hard outside when I reach home, but I think it has stopped. I can still hear some thunder in the far distance though. But the dark sky after the rain is beautiful. The raindrops are still on my window and I love it. I wish I have a reading corner by the window where I can sit with some fluffy cushions and read while looking at the world outside.

Anyway, I had a big Japanese buffet lunch. A farewell lunch for colleagues who are leaving, as a matter of fact. We ordered too much and we still had tons of food left when we're all somewhat finished. I can cry if they force me to eat more.

Oh, I hate it when people comes in inside a lift and presses the 'Close' button impatiently lots of times. Call it my pet peeve, but I really can't stand it when people do it. I mean, the machine will know that you pressed it the first time. Give it some chance to react! People's minds do not react immediately, so why must a machine? It happened to me when I came back just now, so I just want to vent it out.

I have also been learning to solve the Rubik's Cube. I discovered that it can actually be learned; it's not an intelligence test where you find out how you fare intelectually if you can solve it. There a steps on how to solve it and I manage to complete the cube in 2 days. Not bad, I think.

And I am reading Sophie's World now. Trying to finish by next month and get started on the new books I bought about 2 months ago. Haven't actually got the time to read books lately because I was so tired from work. Damn the job. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: I don't like my job and I want to quit. But I don't know where to go, or even what I want to do, and even what I love. I'm pathetic and I know it. I'm a lost boat in the big sea.

Gonna read the book now and sleep. The weather's perfect for a lazy afternoon in bed.

p/s: Oh! Tonight is the Earth Hour moment! Switch off the lights for 1 hour and show the world where we stand for the good of the environment. Hmm.

Today's photo:

#1

My small library. I'm still building it. Got a long list of books I want to buy and read since forever. Books do not come cheap here. I've vowed to read more books this year, so hopefully this area can be expanded more.

#2

The Rubik's Cube I've been practising on. I manage to do up until the 2nd layer almost effortlessly now. Hopefully I can master it by next month.