Wed, 22 April.

[Song on iTunes when I start: Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon)

Another day in living hell. I woke up today with the heaviest heart. Can barely drag myself out of bed, knowing that I have to go work. Not a good way to start your morning.

On a different note, I'm loving Rachael more than ever. Her new album is just hauntingly beautiful; fits well with my mood and current turbulent emotion.

And that is all today.

Note to self: Survive today.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: still the same as above]

Today's photo: NONE.

Can I say the F word?

I am in no mood to follow any format whatsoever. Just want to vent out.

I am desperately looking for a new job, while still having to endure the shitty situations and pressure from people around me, unpredictable and frustrating environment at work. Oh, God. How I wish I can just stop going to work one day and just leave that life away. [Note to self: Never ever get yourself lured back into this situation]

I was doing a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. Come to think of it - it's been months. I am no longer me. I don't feel like I am the same person as I was before. All because of this job. I lost my purpose in life. I lost my passion. I lost my interest. I lost my time. I lost my heart. In fact, I lost myself.

Is that how I would want to live for years to come? Hell, no! Definitely na-ah! I have lots of things that I know I do not want. But the hardest thing to figure out is this: Then, what do yo want? What do you like? What do you love? What do you want to do? Maybe to some other lucky people, they can answer all this in a snap! "Hey, I've always wanted to be a doctor/lawyer/teacher etc." But me, I have never known what I want to be. I am still the rower who just started to pick up her row, staring into the far distance of the sea, trying to figure out which way is better to avoid the suffocating and horrible land, while the boat bobs away on the water, waiting for her to go. Saying, "Hey, come on! Make up your mind already. You want to get out of there, then just go! Go! Go! GO!" And the rower just stands there. Oblivious to the shouts and pressure. Cause she's simply struck numb. And I am her.

And this is supposed to be my positive year. I am supposed to be happy, looking forward to lots of new, wonderful things. And yet, I am miserable, tired, bored and unhappy. Should I change the way I think? Well, I think I do, but I just don't know how. Yes, it's an excuse, but it is so hard to pick yourself up again when you keep falling down. You simply forget to look up and see the road beyond. All you see is the dirt you collected.

Damn, life is hard. Forget about the "Knowledge is power" thing. MONEY is power. Money is everything now and here. It can buy happiness. It can buy dreams. It can buy everything you'd ever want.

I have been writing thoughtlessly. And I think this note is becoming incomprehensible. Definitely not on the same train of thoughts.

Oh, well. To hell with everything. What actually saddens me more, is that I am finding it harder and harder for me to smile. And I am the girl who's known to stick out my teeth and just smile at everybody. My smile was cheap back then. Now, the ugly frown is permanently on the top of my forehead. I wear a scowl everywhere I go. Go figure. I just need a saviour. Someone to offer me their hand and just guide me on the path.

I'll just wait. With a frown and a scowl.

What I've been up to.

I just came back from lunch and work. It was raining hard outside when I reach home, but I think it has stopped. I can still hear some thunder in the far distance though. But the dark sky after the rain is beautiful. The raindrops are still on my window and I love it. I wish I have a reading corner by the window where I can sit with some fluffy cushions and read while looking at the world outside.

Anyway, I had a big Japanese buffet lunch. A farewell lunch for colleagues who are leaving, as a matter of fact. We ordered too much and we still had tons of food left when we're all somewhat finished. I can cry if they force me to eat more.

Oh, I hate it when people comes in inside a lift and presses the 'Close' button impatiently lots of times. Call it my pet peeve, but I really can't stand it when people do it. I mean, the machine will know that you pressed it the first time. Give it some chance to react! People's minds do not react immediately, so why must a machine? It happened to me when I came back just now, so I just want to vent it out.

I have also been learning to solve the Rubik's Cube. I discovered that it can actually be learned; it's not an intelligence test where you find out how you fare intelectually if you can solve it. There a steps on how to solve it and I manage to complete the cube in 2 days. Not bad, I think.

And I am reading Sophie's World now. Trying to finish by next month and get started on the new books I bought about 2 months ago. Haven't actually got the time to read books lately because I was so tired from work. Damn the job. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: I don't like my job and I want to quit. But I don't know where to go, or even what I want to do, and even what I love. I'm pathetic and I know it. I'm a lost boat in the big sea.

Gonna read the book now and sleep. The weather's perfect for a lazy afternoon in bed.

p/s: Oh! Tonight is the Earth Hour moment! Switch off the lights for 1 hour and show the world where we stand for the good of the environment. Hmm.

Today's photo:

#1

My small library. I'm still building it. Got a long list of books I want to buy and read since forever. Books do not come cheap here. I've vowed to read more books this year, so hopefully this area can be expanded more.

#2

The Rubik's Cube I've been practising on. I manage to do up until the 2nd layer almost effortlessly now. Hopefully I can master it by next month.

Formatting hell.

By the way, I hate the formatting errors in the post below. With the spacing and all.

[Song on iTunes when I start: None]

I found my iPod the night after I wrote about it. Memang ada bawah timbunan baju pun. It did give me a scare, though.

My right arm and shoulder, not to forget my butt, is aching. I mean, it feels like having cramps. All this because I was trying out my hand playing Wii Sports. First time cuba, mesti beria sikit. Padahal main bowling virtually, tapi knowing me yang memang sentiasa beria dan bersemangat lebih-lebih, main sampai macam nak terputus urat semua. It'll definitely be a while before I get my hands on it again.

Another thing, I wish to have financial freedom in near future. But I don't know how to achieve it. I'm just so tired of always not having enough money to buy anything, to eat someplace nice once in a while and barely have enough to pay for my monthly expenses. Urghh! Saje je nak let it out. Sikit je.

On a cheerful note, I have always find myself to look for the simple but awesome things in life and in the world. I cannot help but to put on a few photos here today that are just simply AWESOME! Oh, I'll start giving the photos proper credit from now on. Sorry for the previous ignorance!

Today's photo(s):

Photo 1

Isn't it the cutest thing ever? Can't help but smile big when I see this.

Taken from here.

Description: Pemba, a four-month-old red panda cub makes his first public appearance at Sydney's Taronga Zoo, Australia, Wednesday, March 4, 2009. Pemba is the 44th red panda cub bred in the zoo's international breeding program for the endangered species since 1977.(AP Photo/Mark Baker)

Photo 2

Looks ugly-but-extremely-cute at the same time. Want to pet and touch its nose so bad!

Taken from here.

Description: In this photo provided by the San Francisco Zoo, an infant male gorilla is presented for the first time to the media, Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009 in San Francisco. The baby gorilla was born December 8, 2008 at the San Francisco Zoo and now weighs 11.3 pounds. The Zoo is hand-rearing the infant gorilla and surrogate training another female gorilla after the birth mother did not show interest in the newborn. The Zoo announced a global 'Name the Baby' contest, as well as an online gift registry for its newest arrival.(AP Photo/George Nikitin, San Francisco Zoo)

Photo 3

This. Is Simply Amazing. The world constantly surprises us with the odd but beautiful things that can happen. I love cats, and I love the unconditional love as displayed here.

Taken from here.

Description: Smaigel the cat nurses her kittens and four puppies at her owner Mohammad Al-Hamoury's house in Amman February 26, 2009. Smaigel is parenting the puppies whose mother died in a car accident.REUTERS/Muhammad Hamed (JORDAN)

Well, that's all I have. The rain is here, and I'm going back home to chill and try to finish a few chapters of the book I'm reading. I sometimes manage to amaze myself by succeeding on avoiding the idiot box. I miss History Channel, though.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: None]

Cemas!

[Song on iTunes / iPod when I start: None!]

Ohhh, this looks bad to me. I don't know where my iPod touch is at the moment. Manakah? I was looking for it this morning when I was getting ready to work, tapi bila tak jumpa, I thought that it must be in the office. Bila sampai ofis, takde pun? Ahhhh, tak suka.

That beauty was a birthday gift for me last year. I cannot, cannot lose it. I will never get any gifts anymore if I lost it.

I'm gonna go home now and look high and low for it. And my phone charger as well! They must have been hidden under some clothes at home. Must. Must.

I'm such a careless freak.

Today's photo:

My baby.

[Song on iTunes/iPod when I finish: None!]

Kadang-kadang aku bengang dengan diri sendiri.

[Song on iTunes when I start: Ladytron - Seventeen] ---> Yeay! Diorang datang KL!

Tak, sebenarnya selalu je aku bengang dengan diri sendiri.

Takut banyak sangat benda sampai aku menyampah sebab aku tak tahu nak buat apa. Mungkin ke sebab aku ni was living a very protected life? Selalu je ade orang sekeliling yang nak (atau terpaksa?) berlari-lari tolong aku everytime I was caught up a predicament. Jadinya, aku ni jadi seorang yang terlebih dimanjakan sampai tak boleh jadi independent langsung. Asyik nak mengharap orang untuk selesaikan masalah sampai diri sendiri tak tau nak handle macam mana.


Ok, aku nak cakap pasal naik kapal terbang. I'm afraid of heights, so naturally I'm afraid of flying. Tapi dari kecil memang aku sangat teringin nak travel by flights. Sebabnya nampak macam lagi 'travel' dari naik bas atau kereta atau bot atau selainnya. Check in, boarding, passport, duty-free and all the works. First time I finally flew was when I was 17 to JB. Dan kau naik sebuah kenderaan yang macam out of this world, yang sebenarnya tak natural untuk manusia, because we're not meant to fly. It's understandable untuk manusia takut untuk naik kapal terbang sebenarnya.

Tapi aku punya takut takdelah melampau. Gigil tu gigil jugak, sebab aku tak suka dengar benda-benda atau bunyi-bunyian enjin apa semua tu. Takut macam apa-apa jadi. Aku ni sebenarnya takut dengan the unknown fear. Tapi aku suka bila enjin tu mula bunyi menderu kuat yang tengah bersedia untuk take-off. Rasa macam, "Here we go to meet the clouds!". And the feeling when the airplane is lifting itself from the ground tu, always, without fail gives me a certain pleasure in my stomach. Adrenaline rushes into my heart and I love it.

Tapi aku tak suka sangat landing time. Bila kapal tu merendah turun, the altitude change kadang-kadang buat telinga aku sakit sangat sampai rasa nak meletup dan semestinya, aku takut gila. Nak menangis pun ada. Hope next time tak adalah sakit-sakit ni. Buat kacau je.

Aku sebenarnya tak sabar nak travel lagi. Tu yang cakap pasal flights ni. Kan best kalau jadi travel writer? Atau host dalam Travel & Living Channel tu? You're getting paid to travel and explore the world wey! It doesn't feel like work to me.

Today's photo:

I love choosing seats where I can see the wings. And definitely window seat. Looking outside when I travel is a must. It calms me down, being one with the sky.

Nota: Malam ni panas sungguh. Tak boleh tidur lah! Angin tak ada langsung.


[Song on iTunes when I finish: Miss Kittin - Frank Sinatra]